doug butabi!
steve butabi!
hotties wanna shake it
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
