Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
