Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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