life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
