What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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