I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Randomize
