I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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