I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
