if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Randomize
