sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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