who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
