if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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