I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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