you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
