Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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