Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Randomize
