He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
