i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
