capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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