im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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