So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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