a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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