Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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