I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
