Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
