Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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