I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Randomize
