Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
