Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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