I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
