I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
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My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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