I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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