I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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