Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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