and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
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