but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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