I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
Sober January is a disaster.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
