I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
