drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
jump out the window naked night went bad
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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