then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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