you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
