he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Shame - the story of my life.
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