Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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