You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Randomize
