I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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