Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
