Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
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