how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
