new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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