I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Randomize
