I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
