She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i will never coherently bang her
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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