remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
